Abhanga 23
When both sides have rejected you, the work is not to find a third side. It is to receive what comes (your prarabdha) without adding shame to it.
The verse
सासुरियां वीट आला भरतारा । इकडे माहेरा स्वभावें चि ॥१॥ सांडवर कोणी न धरिती हातीं । प्रारब्धाची गति भोगूं आतां ॥२॥ न व्हावी ते जाली आमुची भंडाई । तुका म्हणे काई लाजों आतां ॥३॥
(Source: transliteral.org Sant Tukaram Gatha, abhang 23. Seventeenth in 0007-0025+ gopī-arc.)
Literal translation
English: The (in-laws') husband-side has become disgusted (with me); on this side, the parents' home — naturally the same. The abandoned-one — no one will take her hand. We will now undergo the course of prarabdha. What should not have happened has happened; our scandal is out. Tuka says: what is left to feel ashamed of?
मराठी (आधुनिक): सासुरीयांना वीट आला, भरताराला; इकडे माहेरीही तसंच — स्वभावानेच. सांडवर हाती कोणी धरत नाही; आता प्रारब्धाची गती भोगू. व्हायला नको ते झालं — आमची भंडाई. तुकाराम म्हणतात — आता काय लाजायचं?
Word-by-word gloss
| Marathi | Meaning |
|---|---|
| सासुरियां वीट आला भरतारा | "the husband (i.e., the in-laws side) has come to disgust / the husband has become disgusted" (वीट = disgust, weariness) |
| इकडे माहेरा स्वभावें चि | "and on this side too — the parents' home — naturally / by-the-same-pattern" |
| सांडवर कोणी न धरिती हातीं | "the abandoned-one — no one will hold by the hand" (सांडवर = the abandoned one) |
| प्रारब्धाची गति भोगूं आतां | "now we will undergo the course of prarabdha" (prarabdha = the operative karma whose results are presently unfolding) |
| न व्हावी ते जाली आमुची भंडाई | "what should not have happened has happened — our breaking-loose / scandal" (भंडाई = scandal, defamation, public mess) |
| काई लाजों आतां | "what is left to be ashamed of now?" |
What it means
The abhang names double-rejection. The husband's side is disgusted; the parental side, naturally, follows the same pattern. The speaker is सांडवर — the abandoned-one — and explicitly notes: no one will take her hand. The image is of a woman with no shelter, no harbour. [T]
What follows is striking. Instead of trying to find a third refuge, the speaker says: प्रारब्धाची गति भोगूं आतां — we will now undergo the course of prarabdha. Prarabdha in Indian thought is the portion of one's accumulated karma whose results are currently unfolding — not all karma, just the operative slice that is presently working out. To say "we will undergo prarabdha" is to surrender to what is currently happening without trying to alter or escape it. [Tradition]
The closing — काई लाजों आतां — what is left to be ashamed of? — is the abhang's signature move. The shame would have been a layer on top of the fall; the speaker refuses to add it. The fall is real; the shame is optional, and she declines. [T]
For someone today
English: This is one of Tukaram's most painful and most precise verses. It is for the moment when both sides — your origin community and your chosen community, your old life and your new — have rejected you, and you find yourself with no one's hand to hold. Most people, in this moment, look frantically for a third community to absorb them. Tukaram's claim is colder and more useful: do not look. प्रारब्धाची गति भोगूं — undergo the course of what is currently unfolding. The third community is not coming; the prarabdha is.
The deeper teaching is in the closing: काई लाजों आतां — what is left to feel ashamed of? The shame is the second-order layer that most modern people add to a fall. The fall is its own pain; the shame about the fall is an additional pain, voluntary, that does not belong. Tukaram's gopī refuses to add it. The fall has happened; the scandal is public; the rejection is mutual. None of these are made better by shame. The shame would only be useful if it changed something; it does not. So she declines.
This is not bravado. It is precision about what costs are actually unavoidable (the fall, the rejection, the loss of community) and what costs are optional add-ons (the shame, the performed contrition, the self-flagellation that makes everyone feel like the situation is being properly mourned). The gopī takes the unavoidable losses and refuses the optional ones. That is the discipline.
मराठी: ही तुकारामांची सर्वात वेदनादायी आणि अचूक ओवींपैकी एक आहे. ती त्या क्षणासाठी आहे जेव्हा दोन्ही बाजू — मूळचा समुदाय आणि निवडलेला समुदाय, जुनं जीवन आणि नवं — तुम्हाला नाकारतात आणि तुम्हाला हात धरायला कोणीच नाही. बहुतेक लोक त्या क्षणी तिसऱ्या समुदायाच्या शोधात धावतात. तुकाराम जे सांगतात ते थंड आणि अधिक उपयुक्त आहे: शोधू नका. प्रारब्धाची गति भोगूं — सध्या जे उलगडतंय ते भोगूं. तिसरा समुदाय येत नाहीये; प्रारब्ध येतं आहे.
खोल शिकवण शेवटी आहे: काई लाजों आतां — आता काय लाजायचं? लाज हा दुसऱ्या क्रमांकाचा थर आहे जो आधुनिक लोक पडल्यानंतर वर लावतात. पडणं स्वतःचंच दुःख आहे; पडल्याबद्दलची लाज ही अतिरिक्त दुःख आहे — ऐच्छिक, अनावश्यक. तुकारामांची गोपी ते लावायला नकार देते. पडणं घडलं आहे; भंडाई बाहेर आली; नकार दोन्ही बाजूंनी झाला. यांपैकी कोणतंच लाजेने सुधारत नाही. लाज तेव्हाच उपयोगी जेव्हा ती काहीतरी बदलते; ती बदलत नाही. म्हणून ती नाकारते.
हे मस्ती नाही. हे अचूकता आहे — कोणत्या किंमती खरंच अटळ आहेत (पडणं, नकार, समुदाय गमावणं) आणि कोणत्या किंमती optional add-ons आहेत (लाज, केलेली पश्चाताप, आत्म-शिक्षा जी सर्वांना "परिस्थिती योग्य रीतीने शोक केली जात आहे" असं वाटायला लावते). गोपी अटळ नुकसानं स्वीकारते आणि optional नकार देते. हीच शिस्त.
Where this applies
- When both your origin community and your chosen community have rejected you. Don't search for a third. प्रारब्धाची गति भोगूं — undergo what is currently unfolding. The work is receiving, not finding.
- When events are unfolding that you cannot stop. Do not add shame. The events are real; the shame is the optional second layer that doesn't help.
- When a fall has become public. Tukaram's diagnostic: is the contrition real (changing something) or performed (recovering face)? If the latter, decline it. काई लाजों आतां.