संत साहित्य · Tukārām · Abhanga 3875 of 4582

Abhanga 3875

Tukaram admits, with raw honesty, that his crying out to God has left him only tired and unsure, exposing the gap between his reputation as a devotee and his real, unpracticed inner life.

When you've begged or prayed repeatedly and feel only worn out, with no real answer.

When others admire you for something you privately doubt you've truly earned.

When you fear that despite your efforts, you'll still be left alone in the end.

The verse

जेजे आळी केली तेते गेली वांयां । उरला पंढरिराया श्रम माझा ॥१॥ काय समाधान केलें कोण वेळे । कोणें माझे लळे पाळियेले ॥ध्रु.॥ अभ्यास तो नाहीं स्वप्नीं ही दुश्चिता । प्रत्यक्ष कैंचा चि तो ॥२॥ आतां पुढें लाज वाटे पांडुरंगा । भक्त ऐसें जगामाजी जालें ॥३॥ तुका म्हणे आतां नाहीं भरवसा । मोकलिसी ऐसा वाटतोसी ॥४॥

Literal translation

Every-āḷī-vain — only-śrama-remains. What-samādhāna — who-played-with-my-laḷē. No-abhyāsa — not-even-svapna-duścita — no-pratyakṣa. Lāja — known-as-bhakta-in-the-world. Tukā: no-bharavasā — looks-like-you'll-let-go.

What it means

A 4-verse complaint-prayer. Every cry I made went vain; only fatigue remained, Paṇḍharirāya. What contentment was given at what time? — who played with my child-tantrums (i.e., who indulged me)? I had no real practice — not even an anxiety-in-dream — from where would direct-vision come? Now I feel ashamed before the world, Pāṇḍuranga — I have become known as a bhakta in the world. There is no confidence now — you seem like you'll let go. The line bhakta-aisē-jagā-mājī-jālē (I've-become-known-as-a-bhakta-in-the-world) creates the leverage: Tukā's reputation as a bhakta is at stake.

For someone today

Here Tukaram doesn't sound triumphant, he sounds worn out and doubtful. He admits that all his pleading and crying out to God has left him only tired, without any real contentment or sense that his prayers were ever truly indulged. He confesses, with striking honesty, that he hasn't actually built real spiritual practice, not even enough for a troubled dream, let alone direct experience of God, even though the world now calls him a devotee. That gap between his public reputation and his private uncertainty makes him ashamed, and he admits he no longer feels confident that God won't simply let him go.

मराठी: इथे तुकाराम विजयी नाही, तर थकलेले आणि साशंक दिसतात. ते कबूल करतात की देवाकडे केलेली सगळी आर्जवे व्यर्थ गेली, आणि उरला तो फक्त थकवा, कुठलेही खरे समाधान नाही. ते प्रामाणिकपणे मान्य करतात की त्यांची खरी साधना कधी झालीच नाही, स्वप्नातही तशी अस्वस्थता जाणवली नाही, मग प्रत्यक्ष अनुभव कुठून येणार, तरीही जग त्यांना भक्त म्हणून ओळखते. या सार्वजनिक प्रतिष्ठेच्या आणि खासगी साशंकतेच्या अंतरामुळे त्यांना लाज वाटते, आणि ते कबूल करतात की देव आपल्याला सोडून देईल असे त्यांना आता वाटते आहे.

Where this applies

When you've prayed hard for something and feel only exhausted, with nothing resolved
When people see you as devoted or accomplished, but privately you feel you haven't done the real inner work
When your public reputation for faith or virtue doesn't match your private doubt or fatigue
When you're afraid that after everything, you'll still be left alone or abandoned